Pag-asa

On my desk, I keep a photograph of my parents on their wedding day. It's a black and white shot. Neither of them are looking at the camera as they walk by arm in arm. My mother's smile reaches her eyes. My father stifles a smile with a knowing pout. In a single frame, I'm able to see myself in both their faces. I wish I could have been there if only to see their first dance.

They've been divorced over 22 years now. And believe me, it was for the best. But I still love that picture and every time I look at it, I can't help but smile. No matter if a marriage might end or last a lifetime, a photo like theirs always gives me hope. Because that's all newlyweds have don't they? Hope that their love is strong enough. Hope that they'll be able to carry each other through. That leap of faith that usually paralyzes me with fear of falling.

For now, I look at their photo one more time and smile. Here's hoping for all of us.

Kalungkutan

Loneliness is a feeling that doesn't always come to visit.

It's like my mind has a defense mechanism against it. I like to call it self-preservation. Others would probably call it denial. Either way, I guess I'm better off. Although, I do believe every feeling has a purpose. Just like pain teaches us to keep our hand away from an open flame or joy shows us how to embrace the ones we love. Loneliness is a reminder that something is missing. Remember it says. Remember. I guess that's why people say that it's a nagging feeling.

Tonight there is that familiar longing in my chest. That uneasy sense that makes me keep looking over my shoulder. Looking for what, I don't know. And then I remember. I almost welcome it in like an old friend. Gone much too long to be good. Because the loneliness pours over me like warm water melting away my defenses. And maybe, just maybe I'll go out once more and find what's missing.

Tandaan

I remember when
He made my stomach ache in that hungry sort of way.
I remember when
He looked at me. Straight through me.
Hot knife with ease. Can’t breathe.
I wouldn’t flinch when he reached out
And held me by the small of my back.
I would rest my head in the crook of his neck.
Breathing him in. I remember when.
He made me feel reckless.
Daring deeds of debauchery.
Reckless me. Wreck me.
I remember me.

Salamin

Sometimes I'm surprised by what I see in the mirror. Not because I hate who I see or am taken by surprise by my own beauty. Bleh. I'm trying to avoid the melodrama here. But sometimes a distortion does in fact take place. A visual translation I don't speak. Which leaves me standing there. Staring. Head at a tilt. Waiting for something to click. I know it's me. I recognize and acknowledge that basic fact. But for that moment, I look at her and wonder. And she wonders back.

Because the moment just before I looked in the mirror, I thought I knew what to expect when I got there. Because the moment just before, I was at peace. And now I'm not. And now I wonder if perception is reality, then maybe there are times I should avoid mirrors altogether.

Ulan

I admit it. I love the rain for all the sentimental reasons other people probably love it too. The trickling sound it makes outside my window. How it forces everyone to slow down to watch their step. To watch each others step. I love watching people share an umbrella. Someone held close. Someone given the excuse to do the holding. The way the smell of wet grass and pavement reminds me of when I was a little girl playing in the rain. The free carwash.

Night rain is my favorite. The serenade is better than any nightingale. My dreams are easy on these nights. All rounded edges and velvet voices. And I look forward to morning like it was Christmas day. Because mornings after the rain are like mini-do-overs. A present made better than just a regular now. The present all wrapped in a clean, new now. I told you it was sentimental.

I don't know why I decided to write a blog but here I am. I guess I'm tired of carrying random thoughts around with me all day. Like so much spare change rattling around at the bottom of my purse. Weighing me down. I don't want that anymore. So I guess this is my mental piggy bank. And my first deposit. Clink.